My Little Abby Bug,

A whole month has about flown by since I last wrote to you! I have been so distracted with your brother and you, I often forget to write! :) You both are growing up so fast and reaching great milestones.

You are getting more courage and confidence every day. Watching you move mountains with your determination to walk and talk is something I know you'll be doing your whole life.  You, my dear, are NOT a quitter, you are a doer.  Once you have set your mind to something nothing (not even falling and hitting your bum, every time you stand) deters you from that goal.  And you are very independent about it also.  If your pops or I try to guide you along you slap away our hands, scrunch up your little nose, and plant your bum on the floor! Then you will pull yourself up on whatever piece of furniture you are near, and start all over again, WITHOUT our assistance.

You have enough confidence to turn out from your stable surface and practice taking steps.  It is an endearing sight to watch the smile illuminate your face when you take each little step. I just hope baby girl, that you will always stay close to a stable surface in your life.  Whether it be God, family or your music which you love so much, keep it close to your heart, so if you should fall there is something to hold you up. I wouldn't mind if all three did this for you! :)

In our lives we all have to fall many times before we realize, who we are and what it is that will keep us from hitting the ground. Some of us fall harder than others (oh the stories I have about me!) and it takes a lifetime of hit and miss to find our solid ground. But, you have quite a few years before all this seriousness hits you! You know me sweetie, my thinking wheel is constantly going!!

Your little brother Bronco just adores you! He watches your every move and gives me dirty looks anytime you cry. As if I am the reason?!!! Sheesh, you two are out to get me sometimes I swear it! ;)  He is crawling like mad right now, getting into everything, breaking everything. Maybe he'll learn a thing or two from you about being content with the same toy for hours...? No? I didn't think so either! But I can honestly say I do not mind, even on our crazy days I go to bed smiling that I have the most adorable, loving babies any mama could ask for!

I love you both dearly, and no matter where life takes us, I am glad I have you two, to be apart of this journey.

With Much Love,

Mom

Abby Pic Updates!

My Inspiration!

Abby Baby,

You have been a little soldier lately.   Your persistence to stand on your own grows more each day.  And today you inspired me greatly.  Attempting to stand in your play yard you slipped and struck your jaw on the railing.  Blood filled your mouth and you screamed out in pain.  I was immeadtely at your side and held you close.  In just a minute you stopped crying and let me clean you up.  As I examined you I could not see where you had bit yourself.  I know that God had healed your wound.

I was worried that your accident would deter you from trying to stand again.  But much to my surprise you were back playing and getting on your feet in moments! I didn't know whether to cry or just smile.  Here you were, a fragile sick girl, showing strength and ability beyond your illness and teaching your mother yet another lesson.

I cannot tell you how many times I have cleaned and thirty minutes later everything is a mess again.  I feel defeated day after day as I watch things I cannot control take the reins in my life.  I fall time and time again in despair, frustration and exhaustion. But then I see you, overcoming obstacles and defeating the odds.  So tonight I decided to take after you and take charge of what I can change.

Abigail, you would be so proud to see all the work I did tonight. I swept and mopped like Cinderella,  organized like a soldier,  and loved every minute of it! As I finished I relaxed, I mean really relaxed.  I took a deep breath and let it all out. I let out all the stress and depression and sat in wonderment that  a little angel like you, brought this out of me.  You help me to be the woman Heavenly Father intended me to be. I am amazed at the many lessons you teach me every day.

I guess it's true that we learn more from children than they do from us.  You are climbing mountains each day and leaving a glorious trail of light for others to follow.  I love you so much and am blessed dearly to have you.

Love Mom

Baby Girl Abby,

Today was PARK DAY!!! You have never been to a park before. A place with green green grass, swings, slides and lots of giggling children.  The weather was perfect and all of us were indoors missing out on the blue skies. So dad and I dressed Bronco and you up so cute, packed up the car and drove to the park.

Daddy took turns with you two in his lap swinging in the big swings.  At first you liked it but it was too boring. :) So we put you and Bronco into the little swings with the guards. The higher up Daddy would swing you, the bigger you would smile.  Bronco wasn't as brave. He really enjoyed WATCHING you swing, but that was about it.

A man was swinging his son next to you and dad.  Daddy and he talked for a while and it was exciting for me to watch him make a new friend. Then, Bronco and I sat in the grass snacking as you and dad went on the slides.  You loved the soft wind through your hair, the sounds of little voices laughing and most of all spending time with dad.

It was a fun trip for all of us.  When we came home, I bathed you and soon after your bath you stole my slice of pizza!  I know this sounds crazy because you refuse to eat anything more than baby food.  But you have been growing so much! You pulled off the cheese and pepperoni and threw them.  The sauce ended up all over your newly washed body and hair and the bread in your tummy! I cannot explain in words how happy I am to see you trying foods and liking them.  It is for sure helping you in the weight department.

Overall, today was a pretty good day for you and all of us.  Hopefully things continue to look up.  I love you baby.

xoxoxo Mom

Dear Abby,

I just have to say how proud I am of how well you did at your appointment yesterday! You were out of this world!!! The nurses kept saying, "That is the cutest little girl I have ever seen come through here!" and "Oh my! Just look at those eyes and smile!"

You cried and had a hard time when blood was drawn and with the other tests. But not two seconds after you were finished with them you were smiling and talking.  Grandma Johnson held you for the x-ray and you LOVED how cold the room was.  But you weren't as happy when they held you down for the picture.  You were so good for the doctors and stayed awake for the car ride there and home.

We'll get the results in three weeks.  Doctor Swinyard gave us the list of conditions you are being tested for so we can do our research.  Once we get the results I'll write to you and tell you about each one.

Nana and Papa Lee are camping this weekend.  We are hoping to go up tomorrow but are not sure if our check will be in on time.  Hopefully we'll make it! It'll be fun to get outside and teach you about trees and lakes.

Well, I'm off to bed now!!! I'm going to take pictures of tomorrow and describe them to you when we get home!

Lots of love,

Mom

Baby Girl,

I am beside myself with anxiousness right now. You're appointment is tomorrow...I don't know how I am going to get through it without your father there.  Grandma Johnson is coming, but it's just not the same.  Your dad has been there for ALL your appointments and his touch instantly calms me down.  But he has to work.  Things are tight until he can get his education, so he's pretty much banned from missing work. I wish, with every thing, that he could be with us tomorrow.

I want him to help kiss you better after all the blood work.  To kiss my cheek and tell me you're okay.  I am trying not to cry, but it just breaks my heart to see you have to go through so much.  I try to be strong. I heard a quote the other day.

"People weep, not because they are week, but because they have been STRONG for too long"

I feel like that a lot.  However, I pick myself up, wipe my eyes and smile.  I know that right now you need me the most.  A day will come when you can be on your own and you won't depend on me. But I know for at least 18 years you will come to me to kiss your scrapes and bruises, wipe your tears, and vent your boy problems.  And through all of these things you have to endure because of your disabilities, I will be there through it all.   I'll never leave you alone.  Not until you tell me you are ready for me to let go.

I am praying tomorrow goes swell! I have asked for many prayers, positive energy and grace from God.  Here's to hoping He hears our pleas!

I love you baby girl, and good luck tomorrow!

xoxo Mom

Dear Bugaboo,

Tonight when I was bathing your brother, you slid yourself off the couch and stood on your own. You were holding onto the couch for support and not me.  It was a tender moment. I watched you for a moment and in the middle of my thoughts you lost your balance and fell.  You cried for me. I dressed your brother and quickly held you close to my heart.  I was proud to see you being independent. In that small moment I watched you standing on your own, I knew that you would always try hard to be that way. And when you called out for me when you'd fallen, I knew that you know I'll always be here for you. I am proud of you, I cannot say it enough. :)

Also, I think you learned today NOT to bite your brother.  You leaned over, grabbed his foot and bit him! Instantly he reached out and pulled your hair.  Again, you cried for me and I helped you out of that situation. Maybe next time you'll think twice before attacking. You are waking up so I need to put you back to bed. I'll write more soon!

xoxoxo Mom

My Little Lady,

Oh sweet Abby! I am pretty much going out of my mind with excitement! You are progressing so fast in your walking!!! Holding my hands, you walked all around the house.  Even though you are very small in wieght and stature you are growing into quite the little toddler.

I know that one day you are going to be a little girl, a young woman and then eventually starting a family of your own.  I try not to think about this because I realize that when that moments comes for you I will be old. :)  I don't dread the days when you grow up and move out. One thing I learned from my past was to hold dear to your heart your loved ones, but don't hold them so close they suffocate. A person can lose children, spouses, and other family by doing so.  I am going to embrace your milestones with a smile, happiness and most likely tears. But I will never hold you back from what life has to offer you.

You'll get to experience everything you want to and can do.  The weather outside is absolutely gorgeous! The sky is as blue and soft as your diamond eyes and the sun is as warm and bright as your tender smile.  Tomorrow when Daddy is home we will all go for a walk and you will be able to feel the sun on your skin, hear the beautiful birds and enjoy the outdoors.

I almost got stung by a bee today! I went to check the mail and a bunch of bees flew at me from under the stairs!!! In the fist place, I am allergic to bees so that isn't good and second they really scare me.
Bees may be really pretty and good for gardens but their sting is mean and painful! Like when you get a shot, except it still hurts after awhile. Hopefully we don't come across and bees on our walk tomorrow!

Well it's bed time, so I am going to have to stop wiring. But I promise to write you again.

xoxoxo love Mom!

Dearest Abigail,

You are the sweetest! You're laying next to me, holding my hand and telling me all about your day.  It may be baby gibberish and I certainly cannot understand it, but I love it all the same! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that! :) I love you babygirl! 

XOXOXOXO Mom :)

Dear Abby,

I just want to tell you how proud I am of you. You are such a brave little girl.  You have been trying to crawl and stand lately.  Even though you have fallen pretty hard sometimes, you get right back up and try again. You've also started playing well with your brother Bronco. :)

It fills my heart with so much happiness to see you two bonding.  I can tell that Bronco and you are going to be best of friends.  You like it when he laughs and when he holds your hand. You think it's hilarious when he's getting his bath and screaming because he hates it. He gives you the biggest smiles of all. When he's waking up from his nap or bedtime he scans the room until he finds you and grins ear to ear!

I almost gave up on praying for us.  I was angry and I needed someone to blame, God seemed like the best option, because He's the one I had been begging for months to help.  But now you are sleeping well, and your eating is getting better.  Your daddy has a job. It's not the best paying job but it's enough to shelter you.

One of the things I have been struggling with is not having a home of our own.  When I was a little girl we moved from place to place, never settling down.  I have only really had one home and even then it was short lived. They say home is where you make it, but I dream of us being in a little one level home. I'd love a place of our OWN that we can paint, create lifelong memories, and know for sure we'll always have that place to come home to at the end of the day.

But I must be happy for what we have. Daddy, Bronco and you are my home. Even if we don't have a concrete home, I know I'll always have a place in your hearts and you mine.  Spring is on it's way and we have so much to explore together! Memories to paint in our minds and fun to be had! I love you baby girl and I'll write again soon!

Love Mom,

ps Daddy loves you too!

Baby Girl,

The last two night you have been in bed and asleep by 8:30 pm.  It is now 10:00pm and you are still awake... you're going full circle again. I am apologizing in advance for any impatience or frustration. It is not towards you love, but rather this continuous, physically impairing cycle we have been on for over a year.  I just want you to be healthy and I want to be healthy to take care of you.

Here's to hoping you fall asleep, I don't think I'm praying for it anymore.

Love you sweet heart :)

Spring is in the Air!

Dear Abigail,

The weather has been so beautiful lately! Last week it was 70 out side! I dressed you in the cutest little spring outfit and put her air in pigtails.  Once we stepped outside you turned your rosy cheeks to the sun and grinned as its rays kissed your skin! The sun in big and round, like you tennis ball just a million times bigger!!! And it's warms like your bath, but it can be hot like the stove.

Flowers are starting to play peak-a-boo with the gardens and the occasional blue, pink and yellow petals are sure signs spring is in the air.

My favorite flowers are white lilies. They are tall, with one large petal that wraps around the tip of the stem.  Some people call them Easter Lilies.  I like to put them on the table with some roses and leaves mixed in.

I think about how beautiful all these things look and I get sad you can't see them.  But then I smell the sweet pollen and the feel the silkiness of the petals and I am happy again. Happy because you taught me to remember all the good things I seem to forget about God's beauty on Earth.  You teach me more than I could ever learn if you had your sight.

I should get going, Bronco is about to fall asleep and you're looking tired too.  I love you and I'll write again soon!

Love mom

Love in Strange Places

My Dear Gabby Abby,

You are positively the cutest little girl on earth! And this isn't just prejudice on my part. Everywhere you go people will stop us and spend five minutes saying how beautiful you are and asking about you. Your big smile and star lit blue eyes has made many a persons' day. Even on your grumpiest days, passerbies cannot get over your adorable grouchy face. I have several favorite compliments given to you but my favorite incident involves an adorable three-year-old boy and his innocent humor.

You and I were in the waiting room of an Idaho WIC office. We sat next to another young mother, her infant daughter and toddler son. He kept looking at you and then giggling and whispering to his mom. Finally he gathered his courage and came to say "Hi" . . .

The little blonde haired, brown eyed boy approached us with a shy grin.

"May I please sit by your daughter?" his manners were so adorable and he sounded just like a little gentleman.

"Of course, she loves new friends!" with my response this little man jumped, actually more like leaped, on the vacant seat next to you. And for the next fifteen minutes carried on a one way conversation with you. Then suddenly he jumped and ran over to his mom, climbed up on her lap and whispered sweetly into her ear.

Upon his returned his promptly announced his mom said that he could marry you someday! After a few minutes of playing with you (his newly betrothed) he asked why you wouldn't look at him. I had to explain, in the best and easiest way possible, that you were blind and could not see him.

When I was finished his eyes lit up and a smile spread from ear to ear after which he said, "Wow! Now I'll never lose playing hide and seek!"

And he hid under her chair for a good five minutes excited he was winning the game. But he soon came out and shouted "You found me!" and gave you a big hug!

That day still rings clear in my head; how tender a moment for me to see how you'll be accepted among your peers. I pray that all your future peers will be as gracious and kind to you. Your nap time is about up and I should probably wake you up. J I love you sweet heart and can't wait to watch you grow and develop friendships in this life!

Love,

Your emotional mother! <3

Promises, Promises

Dear Abby,

 

It's been quite awhile since I have written to you. Your baby brother was born last October. He's quite the cutie. I cannot get over how much I love you both. I was worried that my attention would be divided unfairly between you two. I thought that maybe I'd spend more time with you because of your disabilities or I'd spend more time with Bronco because of his ability to see me.

Well it has been four months since Bronco has been with us and I can honestly say that you both hold equal places in a special space in my heart. You are so darling with him! The other day I was cleaning in the kitchen and he was fussing on his play pillow. I couldn't get to him right away and figured he'd cry until I broke free. Then suddenly his crying stopped and I heard two babies giggling in unison. As I rounded the corner into the living room the scene before me touched my heart so tenderly. You had rolled your way over to Bronco and started playing with his feet, tickling them as you explored his little toes. You are such a good big sister Abby. And we are so blessed to have such a darling, sweet spirit in our family.

Your disability is starting to take a toll on you and us as well. Right now you're not sleeping well. And you're not eating well either. This breaks my heart and renders me totally vulnerable because there is nothing I can do but watch these things happen to you. You've gone from a size 12 months to a size 9 months. You use to weigh twenty pounds but in just a couple weeks have gone down to sixteen… Bronco weighs as much as you do. He's four months old and you are fifteen months. I pray for you sweet heart, I pray to God that he helps us help you.

Your father's been out of work for awhile now and we cannot even afford to make rent or other bills. And we've been really stressed out lately. I know we've been arguing a lot, it's not because we are angry baby girl, it is because we are worried. You and your brother are everything to us and it hurts us more than you'll know (at least until you have children of your own), that we cannot take care of you.

I have so many dreams where I lose you. I wake up crying and come into your room to make sure you're here with me. Then I lean over and kiss your cheek you smile beautifully every time and make me fell all better. It's amazing how such a small person can make such a big difference in the life of an adult.

I have not been completely honest with you sweet heart. I tell you that I am okay and that everything will work out, however, most times I am not even sure if I believe my own words. I struggle with my prayers some nights. I get angry at Heavenly Father. I have yet to comprehend his plan for our family, or for me. My childhood was a nightmare and then I was saved by his grace and sent to a beautiful new family. However, ever since then, I have felt as if He and Satan are playing tug-a-war with my spirit. Satan knocks me down and Heavenly Father always pulls me up. Yet lately it seems like God has forgotten I'm down here, on my hands and knees, praying for him to pull me up again. My only hope is he remembers us soon. I am in fear of completely losing my faith in Him.

But, my dear child, I promise you that I will continue to be strong for you, continue to be your link to this beautiful world. I am just out of sync right now. Things will get better soon, they have too; our well being depends on it.

Sleep well tonight Abigail. Even if it's 5:00 am when you finally close your tender eyes and 6:00am before I am in bed, I am happy to be up with you.

Love Ya Baby Girl!