Promises, Promises

Dear Abby,

 

It's been quite awhile since I have written to you. Your baby brother was born last October. He's quite the cutie. I cannot get over how much I love you both. I was worried that my attention would be divided unfairly between you two. I thought that maybe I'd spend more time with you because of your disabilities or I'd spend more time with Bronco because of his ability to see me.

Well it has been four months since Bronco has been with us and I can honestly say that you both hold equal places in a special space in my heart. You are so darling with him! The other day I was cleaning in the kitchen and he was fussing on his play pillow. I couldn't get to him right away and figured he'd cry until I broke free. Then suddenly his crying stopped and I heard two babies giggling in unison. As I rounded the corner into the living room the scene before me touched my heart so tenderly. You had rolled your way over to Bronco and started playing with his feet, tickling them as you explored his little toes. You are such a good big sister Abby. And we are so blessed to have such a darling, sweet spirit in our family.

Your disability is starting to take a toll on you and us as well. Right now you're not sleeping well. And you're not eating well either. This breaks my heart and renders me totally vulnerable because there is nothing I can do but watch these things happen to you. You've gone from a size 12 months to a size 9 months. You use to weigh twenty pounds but in just a couple weeks have gone down to sixteen… Bronco weighs as much as you do. He's four months old and you are fifteen months. I pray for you sweet heart, I pray to God that he helps us help you.

Your father's been out of work for awhile now and we cannot even afford to make rent or other bills. And we've been really stressed out lately. I know we've been arguing a lot, it's not because we are angry baby girl, it is because we are worried. You and your brother are everything to us and it hurts us more than you'll know (at least until you have children of your own), that we cannot take care of you.

I have so many dreams where I lose you. I wake up crying and come into your room to make sure you're here with me. Then I lean over and kiss your cheek you smile beautifully every time and make me fell all better. It's amazing how such a small person can make such a big difference in the life of an adult.

I have not been completely honest with you sweet heart. I tell you that I am okay and that everything will work out, however, most times I am not even sure if I believe my own words. I struggle with my prayers some nights. I get angry at Heavenly Father. I have yet to comprehend his plan for our family, or for me. My childhood was a nightmare and then I was saved by his grace and sent to a beautiful new family. However, ever since then, I have felt as if He and Satan are playing tug-a-war with my spirit. Satan knocks me down and Heavenly Father always pulls me up. Yet lately it seems like God has forgotten I'm down here, on my hands and knees, praying for him to pull me up again. My only hope is he remembers us soon. I am in fear of completely losing my faith in Him.

But, my dear child, I promise you that I will continue to be strong for you, continue to be your link to this beautiful world. I am just out of sync right now. Things will get better soon, they have too; our well being depends on it.

Sleep well tonight Abigail. Even if it's 5:00 am when you finally close your tender eyes and 6:00am before I am in bed, I am happy to be up with you.

Love Ya Baby Girl!